Kanye West outraged over Wikileaks disclosure of IQ scores

by Dallas J. Delta

WEST HOLLYWOOD - Entertainment mogul Kanye West expressed outrage toward WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange today following the release of a batch of IQ test results gathered by the Australian internet activist.  The results showed that West's score ranked lowest in the media or entertainment industry, with a mark of 52 on the Wechsler Intelligence Scale test.

West claims he was tricked into taking the test online when he thought he was simply updating his SnapChat profile.  He said, "Computers numbers ain't real!  I'mma trancendentalize, uncalculatability factor that no tricky test try to make me take figure, though.  Ya feel?  WikiLeaks?  Wiki! Wiki! Wiki! Whack!"

West's comments came during a commercial shoot for Tashman Home Center, on Santa Monica Blvd.  West was not involved in the production of the commercial, but was apparently dining at a nearby restaurant, noticed the cameras, and interrupted the production crew.

"He just barged right on in," said Coop Cooper, director of the shoot.  "You know how Kanye is.  He cost us a day's shooting and several thousand dollars, and now, from what I understand, is suing us."

Hippie convinced 2012 Sunflower River Blues Festival is still going on

by Dallas J. Delta

CLARKSDALE - Robert Vader, of Cape Coral, FL drove to the Mississippi Delta with friends in 2012 to attend the 25th annual Sunflower River Blues and Gospel Festival, which featured legendary Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant.  After losing track of those he came with, Vader stayed on in Clarksdale, unaware that the festival had ended and that his friends had gone home over a year and a half ago.  Those friends recently returned for a Super Chikan concert and found Vader, not ten feet from where they had last seen him, at Ground Zero Blues Club.

"Crobbert," as he became known to locals, was happy to see his friends.

"We got separated, and the only one that had a phone was Eddie, and I think he left that at a truck stop in Mobile on the way up, anyway.  I just figured we kept missing each other."

The increase in tourism in Clarksdale in recent years has led to more opportunities for fans to hear live music on a nightly basis.  Vader said he became confused when the festival did not seem to end when he thought it was going to.

"I never saw any kind of lineup or anything," said Vader.  "All I knew, was that Robert Plant was playing.  And I thought he was supposed to be last, but then, bands just kept playing, and there were still people all over the place."

"I couldn't remember where the car was parked, and I would walk out to Hopson to see who was playing out there, hang out for a while, then come back downtown, see a band here, or at Bluesberry, or Red's, or wherever.  There's somebody playing out there on the sidewalk, right now, down the block.  There is music everywhere in Clarksdale.  This is the grooviest town around, man."

Vader indicated that it never occurred to him that his friends had ditched him.

"I figured they had to be somewhere around, and I would run into them eventually, and, sure enough, finally did.  Eddie was the only one with a cell phone, you know, and I think he even lost that before we got here, so, you know, I was looking for them, figured they were looking for me, digging on the music, enjoying the festival, and we just kept missing each other.  Can't believe they left, though.  They missed a ton of great bands.  This has been the most epic blues festival ever."

Prime Minister of Aruba warns Putin of retaliation by island nation

The capital of Aruba is Oranjestad,
"Stand of the Oranges"

by Dallas J. Delta

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA - Aruban Prime Minister Mike Eman issued a statement today from his table at Pinchos Bar and Grill condemning Russian aggression in the Crimea and warning Russian President Vladimir Putin to expect strong retaliation from the island nation.

"What century does he think this is?  Does he have any idea what this is doing to the tourism and retirement community industry?  If he keeps this up, you can forget anyone from Moscow getting anywhere near a bar in the West Indies ever again!  You can forget coming down here to get away from those fucked up St. Petersburg winters that never end!  Permanent blacklist!  We don't have enough room down here as it is!"

The Crimean Peninsula has a large population of retirees from the former Soviet government and military who were given beachfront condominiums and tennis club memberships in exchange for years of service to the Communist Party.  It is also a popular vacation destination for tourists from former Soviet bloc nations who are traveling on a budget.  When months of peaceful protests in Kiev erupted last week into an overthrow of the Ukrainian government, Russian troops quickly moved to protect Putin's interests in the region.

With record-breaking cold temperatures over most of North America, tourism resources are already stretched thin globally, according to Eman.

"We are at capacity," he said.  "We've got people from Alabama, of all places, coming down here to get away from snow and ice.  Nobody wants to go to Mexico anymore because of the cartels and the cocktail waitresses on cheap-o all-inclusive's.  The terrorists are wrecking the Mediterranean.  Everybody's been to Fiji.  Now Putin's stupid ass is going to mess up the only place a family of four from Minsk can go with a nice beach, some good bars, one or two excellent golf courses, and not have to listen to Polish rock and roll and freeze their ass off up on the Baltic.  It's out of control."

Eman's remarks came during a meeting at the popular local beach bar with Dr. Rufus Ewing, Premier of the Turks and Caicos Islands.  Ewing echoed his counterpart's sentiments.

"This type of behavior by the Russians is a sobering reminder that not everybody is working from the same playbook.  But Putin doesn't care.  He's not scared.  Regardless, the reasonable people of the world must combat aggression of this nature wherever it exists. We join with Aruba and the nations of the West to call for immediate action to hold Vladimir Putin accountable for his actions.  And somebody call Melanie, our waitress, for another round of drinks."

Chicken Kiev prices skyrocket in wake of unrest

by Dallas J. Delta

KIEV, UKRAINE-Ukrainian protesters  have seized control of their government and are accusing Russian President Vladimir Putin of seeking to exert undue control in the former Soviet Republic by secretly buying up massive stockpiles of the world’s parsley and dill reserves in an effort to cripple Ukraine’s economy.  They claim that the move is intended to drive the cost of Chicken Kiev out of the price range of the average consumer, denying the Ukrainian government millions in royalty payments from restaurants around the world.

                Former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko was released from prison by Parliament today, who also voted to remove current Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych from office slightly ahead of schedule.  Tymoshenko had been serving what many viewed as a politically motivated 7-year sentence on corruption charges.   Yanukovych has tried to get a plane ticket to Russia, but so far is being denied entry.

                Tymoshenko addressed thousands of supporters from her wheelchair at a rally in Independence Square today following her release.  She said, “Putin believes that we will come crawling to him if he can wreck our economy.  We’ve got to have those royalties and we call upon the international community to stand with us in this time of great change.”

                She continued, “You can make a passable Chicken Kiev without parsley or dill.  It is possible to use substitutes, and we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good.  But until Putin and Yanukovych are made to answer for their crimes, it will be impossible for the average worker anywhere in the world to go into a restaurant, order our beloved signature national dish, and get anything that they would be happy with.”

“Putin is a madman.  It turns out, when the protests began, Yanukovych let Putin’s agents into key positions in the restaurant supply business.  They engineered agreements with vendors that bottlenecked delivery of everything from breadcrumbs to eggs to butter.  Now, with world garlic prices soaring, Putin effectively controls who can get an order of Chicken Kiev, when they get it, and how much they pay for it.”

Russian ambassador to the UN Vitaly Churkin defended Putin in a press conference just hours ago.  “Look, according to Wikipedia, Chicken Kiev wasn’t even invented in Ukraine.  It was invented at the Moscow Merchants Club in the early 20^th century.  If you ask me, a brilliant example of the Soviet system working to it’s highest capacity.”

ASU to join SEC in 2014

by Dallas J. Delta

JONESBORO-Beginning with the 2014 football season, Arkansas State University will compete in the Southeastern Conference in all sports.  In a move approved yesterday by the NCAA, the University of Mississippi is trading their position in the conference to ASU in a deal that involves the re-branding of both schools.

                ASU Athletic Director Terry Mohajir announced the move this morning.  “We worked out a trade where we get into the SEC, we get the Rebel mascot, ‘Dixie’, some scholarships, and a bunch of other considerations,” he said.

                According to sources in the University of Mississippi administration, recent bad publicity led the Board of Regents to put the move on the table.  Fraternity members vandalized a statue of James Meredith, the first black student at the university, bringing condemnation from national civil rights figures and renewed focus on the university’s troubled history of race relations. 

                Mohajir indicated that ASU was contacted shortly after the incident on the Oxford campus took place, and that the deal was put together quickly.

                He said, “The Mississippi people had already been thinking about this option before the incident, so everything was drawn up and ready for us to sign.  I think it came down to a quick conference call between Governors Mike Beebe and Phil Bryant, and Chancellors Jones and Hudson.”

                Mississippi officials said that they felt the only way to escape the stigma of their racist past was to sell it to another school.

                “We get a huge upgrade to the top athletic conference in the country,” said Mohajir, “as well as a proven brand, even if it is a little tarnished.  I encourage ASU alumni to start referring to themselves as graduates of “Ole ‘Saw” and acting all snooty.”

                UM will receive the rights to the Red Wolf mascot, but indications are that the school is going to label their athletic teams the Landsharks, a popular unofficial name for the teams among the student body.

                “We might use the Red Wolf as a sideline mascot, to replace the Black Bear, which was a replacement for Colonel Rebel,” said a UM official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.  “Nobody liked the bear.  Y’all can have Colonel Reb, too, if you want him.”

The move is not being received well in Oxford, and a petition to recall Governor Bryant was started online this morning.  UM will take ASU’s place in the Sun Belt Conference, and will receive 50% of the revenue from newly branded ASU merchandise for a period of three years, and then decreasing percentages over the remaining ten.

Mohajir said, “This should be a huge shot in the arm for recruiting, and we expect to be competing for a national championship in football right away.  Just being in the SEC puts us in the conversation, doesn't it?  I can't wait to meet Kirk Herbstreit.”