Draft pick “fired up” about being selected by Broncos

by Dallas J. Delta

“With the final pick in the 2015 National Football League Draft, the Denver Broncos select Dovis Manning, quarterback, the University of Central Mississippi.”

The player chosen last is traditionally known as “Mr. Irrelevant,” but many such players have gone on to have successful NFL careers.

Manning, a culinary science major from Drew, MS with a 3.90 GPA, led the UCM Woodsmen to two consecutive Big South Athletic Conference titles and a huge upset win over Duke in the 2015 Carrot Bowl. Manning was on the patio at Ground Zero Blues Club in Clarksdale when he got the call from his agent informing him of his selection by the Broncos.

“It was so fucking funny,” Manning said. “I honestly didn’t think I was going to get drafted. I figured I was bound for the CFL, so I had been studying up on my Canadian, drinking a lot of Molson and listening to Nickleback. Me and some buddies decided to drive up here tonight to hang out at Morgan Freeman’s place, and I wasn’t even thinking about the draft. I had a pretty good buzz on when my agent called, and I thought it was my buddy Crandall fucking with me. He knew I wanted to move to Denver anyway.”

Manning explained that he had recently been cited twice in two weeks for misdemeanor marijuana possession by the Sunflower County Sheriff’s Office.

“That ain’t gonna be no fucking problem now,” he crowed. “I mean, of course, I am honored and excited to have been drafted at all, but for it to be Denver, I mean, come on! How fucking perfect is that?”

Manning, who claims to be the illegitimate fourth son of Archie Manning, father of current Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning, said that he faced and overcame adversity during his entire college career, and he feels that has prepared him well for the pros.

“Daddy and Peyton and Eli and all them didn’t never want to accept me as part of the family, even though I had better numbers than Eli in high school,” he said. “Everybody in Drew always knew that Archie and my momma had had a thing, but they didn’t never want to have nothing to do with me. Hell, I look just like all of them. Look at this giant fucking potato on top of my neck! We all look like this!”

They all look very similar when they throw a football, as well. Manning says that he is as excited about finally meeting his older brother as he is about Denver’s liberal cannabis laws.

“Peyton doesn’t look like he’s ever had a toke in his life. He could use one. I’m gonna smoke him the fuck out as soon as I get there and find the good weed store.”

Playing in a smaller conference allowed Manning to stay under the radar, until the big win over Duke. Manning’s name began coming up among scouts, who speculated that if Manning really was who he claimed to be, it might be possible to pick up a potentially elite quarterback for nothing.

Manning maintains that the level of play in the Big SAC is more competitive than most realize.

“Playing in the Big SAC isn’t quite like playing in the SEC or the Pac-12, or whatever,” he said. “We always said, ’You gotta have a big sack to play in the Big SAC!’”