Saturday, March 15, 2014

Sean Penn seizes power in Venezuela

Venezuelan Supreme Leader
Sean Penn
by Dallas J. Delta

CARACAS - Following months of unrest, American actor Sean Penn has taken control of the government in Venezuela with the co-operation of the Venezuelan military and the United States entertainment industry.

Penn was a close adviser of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, and flew to Caracas last week for secret meetings with top military officials who were unsatisfied with President Nicholas Maduro's inability to stabilize the nation's political situation.  Violent clashes have erupted across the country in recent weeks as Maduro has sought to consolidate his hold on power.

"Nick had his chance," said Penn, speaking from the floor of the National Assembly this morning.  "But he never understood what Hugo and I were trying to accomplish here.  It has become apparent that I am the only one who knows what to do, and I'm going to have to step in and fix everything."

Early this morning, a commando unit from the Venezuelan Air Force escorted Penn onto the floor of the National Assembly while elements of the Venezuelan National Guard cracked down on uprisings throughout the country.  Penn said he expected things to calm down quickly.  "If everyone would just chill out, and stop looking out for their own interest, everything would be so cool, and we can get everything situated here.  Otherwise, we are just going to shoot all the assholes who won't cooperate, then everyone will see that a bunch of really committed millionaire actors are all that are needed to point everyone in the proper direction."

Penn is being supported by elements throughout the US entertainment industry, with public service announcements being filmed continuously, and fatuous screenplays about South American peasants overcoming bourgeoisie oppressors being rushed through development at many major Hollywood studios.  Not all assistance has been welcomed by the new Supreme Leader, however.

American entertainer Alec Baldwin was stopped at the Venezuelan port of Maracaibo late today attempting to enter the country to join Penn.  The actor and former MSNBC host tweeted that he expected to join Penn's administration in Caracas as "Minister of Public Photography of Public Personalities Public Oversight Public Department," but members of the Venezuelan Coast Guard held Baldwin's ship several miles offshore by placing loudspeakers on their decks and playing looped recordings at full blast of David Horowitz lecturing the Duke University Languages and Literature faculty about liberal bias in academia.  Penn said, "Alec can go to hell.  I've got this.  I don't need him down here.  He can have Uruguay."

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