SOUTHAVEN - On the heels of the separation of the Crimean region from Ukraine and it's annex by Russia, voters in Desoto County have voted overwhelmingly to secede from the state of Mississippi and join Tennessee.
The results of the hastily called referendum saw 82% of the ballots cast in favor of the separation. "It wasn't as high a margin as the Crimeans," said County Administrator Vanessa Lynchard, "but that is still a vote you can't ignore. The people of Desoto County have spoken with a practically unified voice."
Opponents accuse Lynchard, who is acting as Governor of the State of Desoto pending action from Nashville, of seizing power by allowing Tennessee Governor Bill Haslem to flood the county with out-of-work musicians and actors from Midtown Memphis to come troll around the streets of Hernando, Southaven, Olive Branch, and Horn Lake acting all mopey in order to depress the populace into compliance with Haslem's designs on the booming North Mississippi County.
Haslem has made no secret of his territorial ambitions, and has long had his eye on the region, one of the few Mississippi counties that shows signs of economic growth. "I'd trade Memphis for Olive Branch and Hernando any day of the week," he said at a recent press conference. "The rest of the state is sick of Memphis blowing the curve on every statistic from crime to education to obesity to every damn thing else. The only reason we kept them around this long was because of the barbecue. We don't even like the music. The rest of the state listens to country."
Lynchard indicated that she was in control of all county agencies, and would co-ordinate with envoys from Nashville over the coming weeks to ensure a rapid and efficient transition. The move is being resisted most strongly by ethnic Horn Lakites, most of whom did not find out about the referendum until this morning.
"Glad those people like to sleep late," said Lynchard. "Now, maybe Bill can just get Arkansas to take Memphis, then we'll be squared away. Why should there be a Memphis and a West Memphis? Unify Memphis. We call upon the international community to recognize the right of free people everywhere to determine their own political associations. What's good enough for Sevastopol is good enough for Southaven. We will suffer no more under an incompetent government in Jackson!"
President Barack Obama was told about the results of the referendum this afternoon, and shanked an easy five-iron into the pond on the eighth at Grand Oaks.
No comments:
Post a Comment