Chicken Kiev prices skyrocket in wake of unrest

by Dallas J. Delta

KIEV, UKRAINE-Ukrainian protesters  have seized control of their government and are accusing Russian President Vladimir Putin of seeking to exert undue control in the former Soviet Republic by secretly buying up massive stockpiles of the world’s parsley and dill reserves in an effort to cripple Ukraine’s economy.  They claim that the move is intended to drive the cost of Chicken Kiev out of the price range of the average consumer, denying the Ukrainian government millions in royalty payments from restaurants around the world.

                Former Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko was released from prison by Parliament today, who also voted to remove current Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych from office slightly ahead of schedule.  Tymoshenko had been serving what many viewed as a politically motivated 7-year sentence on corruption charges.   Yanukovych has tried to get a plane ticket to Russia, but so far is being denied entry.

                Tymoshenko addressed thousands of supporters from her wheelchair at a rally in Independence Square today following her release.  She said, “Putin believes that we will come crawling to him if he can wreck our economy.  We’ve got to have those royalties and we call upon the international community to stand with us in this time of great change.”

                She continued, “You can make a passable Chicken Kiev without parsley or dill.  It is possible to use substitutes, and we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good.  But until Putin and Yanukovych are made to answer for their crimes, it will be impossible for the average worker anywhere in the world to go into a restaurant, order our beloved signature national dish, and get anything that they would be happy with.”

“Putin is a madman.  It turns out, when the protests began, Yanukovych let Putin’s agents into key positions in the restaurant supply business.  They engineered agreements with vendors that bottlenecked delivery of everything from breadcrumbs to eggs to butter.  Now, with world garlic prices soaring, Putin effectively controls who can get an order of Chicken Kiev, when they get it, and how much they pay for it.”

Russian ambassador to the UN Vitaly Churkin defended Putin in a press conference just hours ago.  “Look, according to Wikipedia, Chicken Kiev wasn’t even invented in Ukraine.  It was invented at the Moscow Merchants Club in the early 20^th century.  If you ask me, a brilliant example of the Soviet system working to it’s highest capacity.”