Prime Minister of Aruba warns Putin of retaliation by island nation

The capital of Aruba is Oranjestad,
"Stand of the Oranges"

by Dallas J. Delta

ORANJESTAD, ARUBA - Aruban Prime Minister Mike Eman issued a statement today from his table at Pinchos Bar and Grill condemning Russian aggression in the Crimea and warning Russian President Vladimir Putin to expect strong retaliation from the island nation.

"What century does he think this is?  Does he have any idea what this is doing to the tourism and retirement community industry?  If he keeps this up, you can forget anyone from Moscow getting anywhere near a bar in the West Indies ever again!  You can forget coming down here to get away from those fucked up St. Petersburg winters that never end!  Permanent blacklist!  We don't have enough room down here as it is!"

The Crimean Peninsula has a large population of retirees from the former Soviet government and military who were given beachfront condominiums and tennis club memberships in exchange for years of service to the Communist Party.  It is also a popular vacation destination for tourists from former Soviet bloc nations who are traveling on a budget.  When months of peaceful protests in Kiev erupted last week into an overthrow of the Ukrainian government, Russian troops quickly moved to protect Putin's interests in the region.

With record-breaking cold temperatures over most of North America, tourism resources are already stretched thin globally, according to Eman.

"We are at capacity," he said.  "We've got people from Alabama, of all places, coming down here to get away from snow and ice.  Nobody wants to go to Mexico anymore because of the cartels and the cocktail waitresses on cheap-o all-inclusive's.  The terrorists are wrecking the Mediterranean.  Everybody's been to Fiji.  Now Putin's stupid ass is going to mess up the only place a family of four from Minsk can go with a nice beach, some good bars, one or two excellent golf courses, and not have to listen to Polish rock and roll and freeze their ass off up on the Baltic.  It's out of control."

Eman's remarks came during a meeting at the popular local beach bar with Dr. Rufus Ewing, Premier of the Turks and Caicos Islands.  Ewing echoed his counterpart's sentiments.

"This type of behavior by the Russians is a sobering reminder that not everybody is working from the same playbook.  But Putin doesn't care.  He's not scared.  Regardless, the reasonable people of the world must combat aggression of this nature wherever it exists. We join with Aruba and the nations of the West to call for immediate action to hold Vladimir Putin accountable for his actions.  And somebody call Melanie, our waitress, for another round of drinks."